


Winter Tides

by Skysquid22



Series: The Seasons of Barisi [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Catholic Guilt, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skysquid22/pseuds/Skysquid22
Summary: "I didn’t want to go to any of the bars I usually go to because I didn’t want to run into them.”Carisi nods his head in agreement and says, “Same reason here. Odd that we both choose this bar.”Must be fate,Carisi thinks.“Must be a coincidence.” Barba replies.





	Winter Tides

**Author's Note:**

> I've had basically no motivation to write, so that sucks. Here's this thing that I might continue. I would love some feedback! Tell me of any errors, if you want more of this or if it should stay a one-shot, thoughts, feelings, the works. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

This last month was hell.

The Catholic church once again was caught in a scandal. It wasn’t all that long ago when they got a case that dealt with conversion. Although instead of just one pastor it involved an entire church. And of course the main body backed up their practices of teaching that being gay is a sin and you should make sure people know that and what not. Eerily familiar and still heartbreaking to see his faith act like that.

Still heartbreaking to see his family believe that. And even still, for himself to be scared of it all.

The joy of December had passed when it began, so instead of welcoming a new year Carisi was dreading it. It was almost February.

New York in the winter was nothing short of awful. Overcast turned the world grey and the icy grip of it never seemed to let go. Winter wasn’t worth it when Christmas ends. And after the clusterfuck of a case was done he’d do what any good Catholic would do and go to church. Unfortunately he was also a cop, and any good cop would got to a bar immediately after. 

Carisi decided against going to the old cop bars he was used to. He didn’t want to be recognized and worried over. He’ll call his sisters in the morning and he texted Rollins that he went home. Of course he didn’t, but he didn’t want her to know that. He wanted to get away from them for a brief, fleeting moment.

To get drunk, surely.

A few beers and a shot later and he’s ready and liquored up, though he can still stand and can still articulate speech. One more beer before he leaves to go back home to get crappy sleep before going back to either church or work. As he’s ordering his final drink he hears a familiar, “Carisi?”

He lobs his head over softly to the side towards the voice. He’s met face to face with SVU’s to go to ADA.

So much for getting away from work.

“Counselor?” Carisi asks, testing out the word on his languid tongue. “What are you doing here?”

Barba is red faced from the cold and glances down at the fresh beer placed in the detective's hand. “Same reason as you, I’m assuming.” He meets Carisi’s crestfallen eyes. “Getting drunk.” Then he pulls the bar stool that resides next to Carisi’s.

Both choose not to say anything while Barba orders a whisky. He sighs after his first sip and turns his head towards Carisi. “I might have to catch up though, you look fairly out of it.” He muses under his breath like he didn’t want him to hear it.

“Not completely. I’ll have a nasty hangover, but I will, still remember this.” He takes a sip of his beer, self conscious now. “Why are you really here Barba? Did Liv or Amanda send you?”

Barba doesn’t even blink at the use of his coworkers names or the sudden accusatory tone of his voice. “No. I went here after I got off of work. And I didn’t want to go to any of the bars I usually go to because I didn’t want to run into them.”

Carisi nods his head in agreement and says, “Same reason here. Odd that we both choose this bar.”

 _Must be fate,_ Carisi thinks.

“Must be a coincidence.” Barba replies. 

The ADA being here was probably the worst that could happen after this case. Fresh from church trying to pray away the homoerotic feelings he has for this man, it would make sense for him to come into contact with him tonight. But, why Barba as the man to mess with his emotions? Sonny could confidently say that he was a straight man before he worked for SVU. All that took for him to doubt himself was a smart, fashionably dressed, smug, man to tear down the illusion his hetrosexuality. And to top it all off, Carisi was drunk. This is going to be a very dangerous conversation. 

“Are you okay Carisi?” His voice is soft, no longer teasing.

He looks up from his staring contest with his beer. He’s hovering over the bar counter so he’d have to glance back at Barba to see him gaze intently at him.

“Because contrary to popular belief, I do care about you. You’re at a bar, slightly drunk, and I’m sitting next to you. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

He wasn’t wrong. Over the time he’s spent with SVU, Barba had grew to respect him. Which pleased Carisi to no end. However, they weren’t friends and could possibly never be. He can’t open up to this man. Before he'd have a fear of Barba downplaying his thoughts and emotions. His stone personality and take no shit attitude is an awful thing to bring up anything personal related. That was before though. Now he could rely on Barba to be a thoughtful ear. Someone who would give advice if wanted. A co-worker. 

But, yet the exact thing he was trying to avoid. This is Barba though, he can’t really escape this. Sonny will make the jump tonight, but won’t give him the full truth. 

“This case…” He starts and stops, judging the shorter man's reaction. Nothing shows on his face but he does appear to be listening. “It’s always gotta be the Catholic church, huh?” He muses bitterly, looking away. “I’ve been to mass so many times this past month I lost count. And that’s including today.” He takes another sip of his beer deciding on where to go from there. He doesn’t get to make that decision though before Barba does.

“I noticed. You’ve acted a little… distant.”

“Yeah, it’s just so,” He sighs. “It seems everyday is a test of faith.” Carisi is lost in thought then, not really bothering with his drink. He’s already had enough tonight. Sensing this, Barba speaks to try and get the truth out of him.

“I don’t know how you do it.” He muses, sipping at his whisky. “Still following the Church after _all_ of this. I guess I didn’t have faith. I suppose that was my downfall.”

Now _that_ gains Carisi’s attention. “You’re…?”

“Catholic? Yes. Although lapsed is a better choice of words.” Both are avoiding eye contact, content to spend their time staring at the bar top. Carisi looks up though at the mirror to gaze at Barba.

He wets his lips, “What did it for you then? The breaking point. A case where a priest is a rapist? When the Monsignor was trafficking girls? I honestly have no idea where the line crosses for me. I worry that I’m truly abject to blind faith.”

Barba steadies his gaze into the mirror to look right back into his eyes. “No. Just a Church who wouldn’t accept who I was.”

Who he---

_Oh._

Barba turns his body so he can actually look at him. Time to face danger head on. So Carisi turns as well. They stare at eachother for a passing moment before Barba says, “For you, I don’t see a breaking point and I have no idea if that’s good or bad. Don’t turn into me Carisi. Don’t be self-deprecating like me and leave the Church.” He sighs and takes a swallow of his drink. “Is it fatigue? Did SVU finally ruin it for you? After all these years of living, this is the breaking point. The point where you realize that Catholicism isn’t all it’s chalked up to be and you…” 

The ADA shakes his head. “I’m just repeating what I thought. Sorry for my outburst. But, now you know why I left the Church and no I don’t regret it and before I have to correct you I’m bisexual.”

As Barba returns to his drink as Carisi decodes what he said. Well for one, a point addressed earlier, Barba cares about him which isn’t a surprise. He could tell that the shorter man cared about him, it was evidently written in the way he payed a bit more attention whenever he spoke and actually listened to him unlike some others. 

The second point is that Barba is a lapsed Catholic, and third, left the Church because he’s bisexual and thus he was deemed a living sin. He could learn from him once again, how to deal with bisexuality, that’s at least what Carisi thinks he is. He’s not entirely sure since it’s _just_ Barba who’s riling him up. And maybe he can learn from Barba’s story of how he left. There has to be a way where he could still be in the Church and be _whatever_ he is. With the courage of alcohol flowing through him, he asks.

“What’s it like? Being bisexual and all?” Carisi, intentionally or not, drops his voice at ‘bisexual’. “And not being in the Church.”

Barba hovers over his drink and squints at him. “Nothing different and liberating. Though I suppose I’ll be different for you though.” Then suddenly he sits up and seemingly gazes right into his soul, dropping his voice to dangerous levels. “If this is a roundabout way of telling me you’re having a crisis of faith on the fact you might be gay and are considering leaving the Church then let me tell you something. Don’t leave the Church over your sexualtiy. Do it for another reason, like I said--don’t be like me.” Barba said with a note of finality, pointing a finger at himself.

Carisi looks down, put in his place. “M’ not gay. Don’t think I am anyway. I mean- I might be bi, but if it’s just one person, does it really count? And if I am… whatever, then how do I deal with it? I can’t really tell my family that. It’s just you, but I mean it’s _you._ I don’t think I want to leave the Church, but how do I move past the fact that I’m in love with you? A man. And being NYPD brass and all, it could be just as hard there too. And---”

Suddenly a hand is placed on his forearm. He was rapidly falling into some kind of panic in that speech and was flailing his arm that wasn’t white-knuckling his near empty beer bottle. That speech, wait, he just---

_Oh god._

“Carisi?” Barba’s voice is soft and quiet, like in calm after bomb went off. No choice but to gaze at the destruction. He removes his arm, sensing that he over stepped and just looks at him. Carisi, all flushed faced both from the beer and from embarrassment. 

Carisi gets a sudden pain in his chest in nostalgia looking at Barba at the moment. He looks like he did when they were at after Dodds’ funeral. In that bar. He looks great, a slight smirk appears the fit the look there’s more clothing now than in the memory. He still has his coat on but, Barba looks so… understanding. So kissable. 

Carisi was never good with impulse control. It’s worse when he’s drunk too. So he lets go of his bottle and uses both of his clammy hands to hold Barba’s face, and he leans in. The kiss is warm, but stiff. If Barba kisses back it’s hard to tell. Carisi also pointedly closes his eyes for it. The taller man backs up a bit to judge Barba’s face. He isn’t smirking anymore but now smiling instead. He sits back and somehow grips his beer bottle impossibly harder.

“Relax.” It must of read on his face that he was starting to stir himself back into a panic again to get Barba to say that. He shakes his head a little. “I’m not angry.” The ADA drains his drink and starts to pay his tab.

It eases Carisi breathing a bit, but he’s still weary that he screwed up majorly.

“Carisi, it’s fine. It’s going to be fine. I need you to calm down. You’ll get through this. We’ll get through this.” Barba shifted in his seat and continued to give a small smile. His voice was soothing and quiet, but yet it carried over the noise of the bar. It was calming Carisi down immensely. “You’re probably in some sort of shock--or something. I want to tell you that I may be open to exploring a relationship with you. We can and should take it slow, I’m perfectly fine with that. Just forewarned, let's keep it out of sight in the public, alright?”

It was very strange to see Barba talking down like this. Almost alien really. Seems like just moments ago he was cocky as all can be, then quiet and contemplative as he listened to Carisi babble on about his fears. To finish it off he was offering Carisi a chance to explore a relationship with him. _Him!_ Rafael Barba wouldn’t mind being together with panicky, newly dubbed bisexual Sonny Carisi. If he was truly bisexual---he still needed an answer for that.

“Erm. Am I.” He paused unsure where to lead. “Bisexual, like, for sure?”

Barba couldn’t help it, he gave a small scoff in reply. “Considering you seem to only have these feelings for me? Maybe. But, if it came down to it, bisexual would be the correct terminology.”

“Bisexual.” It was a strange word on his tongue oddly enough. Barba was right, he _was_ still in shock.

Then Barba said sweetly, disrupting his thoughts, “Here lies the remains of Dominick Carisi’s heterosexuality.”

Carisi barked a laugh at that, but it still didn’t draw away from the fact he was slowly dawning on. He sat there silently staring off into nothing, attempting to finish his drink. Barba had already paid, if anything he appeared to be waiting for him, but that was not the case.

Barba stands up politely pushes in his bar stool, adjusts his tie, buttons up his coat once more and steps into his personal space. Which happened to be right between his legs. Carisi still felt small next to him despite the fact he was about the same height here, it seemed he was cursed to always fall under his shadow. He looks Barba in the eye as the shorter man leans in. He also has his eyes open as he leaves a kiss on his lips. The kiss was the definition of chaste. Short, sweet and tender all the same. 

Much the same as Carisi did to him, he leans back again to judge his face. Unwavering just like before. He shoots him a quick smirk, a barely there smile.

Then as cooly as he came in he turns his heel and walks away. Not before suddenly coming to a stop and turning half his body around to face him. A moment passes a crowd in the bar cheers for some football game in the background. At last Barba speaks.

“That wasn’t an rejection, just an invitation.” He nods thoughtfully. That’s right Carisi never said anything about him being open to a relationship. “You can text me whenever, if you want to talk.” Before he could confront Barba about it he turns around again.

The curtain finally closes, he walks off in a clear path to the door. It was like Moses parting the Red Sea. People just naturally avoided him, one guy almost spilled his beer on himself stopping before he got in his path. Barba didn’t even flinch. 

Carisi watched his brown overcoat flow at the bottom, like some dramatic villain. And in a way he was that, Barba was famous for his cold and cruel demeanor. No one seemingly wanted to get close to him.

Except for Carisi. Who was willing to be in a relationship with him despite the facts. 

_It was such an odd thing._ Barba thought of this as he walked out the door and into the light and deafeningly quiet snow.


End file.
